I can't change the past.
There's so many things I wish I could change. So much heartbreak. Unnecessary torture. People and family that have been hurt. Damage done which could have been avoided.
But then, I wouldn't be standing here now - shaped, for better or for worse, into the person that I am today.
So many things have happened. I find it hard to accept.
But I have to, to move on. I have no control over the past, but I can let it go. I just try to learn from it and not sit there and mourn what has been lost. And I can enjoy being here in the now, and consciously create my future.
God, I feel so much twisted, pitted anger stuck to my back, clogged in my stomach. I feel so much fear, so much shaking, vibrating. My muscles hold trauma. Something doesn't want me fully to be here in the now. It feels like an unsafe place to be. Part of me has gone into hiding. I hope and pray that I find the strength to completely show up here, for myself.
I sit with myself for an hour in my safe place. A cafe, at a table on the pavement in the Sun, looking out at the theatre in the streets. A bunch of lights in people whizzing around, caught up in the busy narratives in their lives. Things that hold them up and ground them down.
We don't have long on this Earth. I'm sure it can feel like it passes by in the blink of an eye. What story of my life do I want to tell while I am here? What do I deeply resonate with? I only have time for this. I have no time to be distracted.
If we can manifest anything that we want on Earth, then I ask the divine creator, inside and out - what is it that I desire? I desire nothing but to live a life that is truly mine, and that represents the essence of me. We each contain a unique perfume, a perfect set of traits that will never be repeated in human form again. I want to leave my trace in our solar system, the footsteps that only I can walk.
Until I find my way, i'll stand here, in the middle of the rain. Somewhere, someone can't walk outside, but because today I can, here I am, feeling the water pour over my skin and soak my clothes. And I will dare to smile.